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Again�& again i see myself just breaking down every single�day Not crying just becoming more non-emotional.�I really dont get it anymore? Ever since 8th grade everything has been just so..horrible? I mean its like life sees me happy for one minute and they just say "oh no bri's happy we should do something to make her unhappy". Basically thats how i feel 24/7. My group is starting to fall apart even more now we're in highschool. Theres no more hope for me and them we will just have to go on our seperate ways. Maybe, their part in my story is over. Except for jess, she realizes now what i was going through in Middle school. Theresa and the other jess just dont seem to understand how they make us feel so horrible inside like we're not even wanted. That is why i stay as far away from them as possible. My skin hasn't been working with me lately which really sucks. I went to the dermatologist last week on wednesday and told me i had Seborrheic Dermatitis. Sounds scary right? Yes, i know when i heard what it was i wanted to just kill myself but, my mom searched through my scalp and told me again, i was misdiagnosed. my face was the only place where the dryness took place. My scalp was perfect no icky dandruff that looks like rotten eggs with cheese asdfghjkl :(!! Did i mention that i really hate doctors??? Well, i do. I've spent days searching up what i could have and i found the perfect answer Allergic Contact Dermatitis. Looked up pcitures and it was an exact match. Im guessing 3 possible things�that could've damaged my skin number 1: This 1 i am 96% sure that i might've got it from this the Aveeno Moisturizer that my friend gave me when i asked her for something to take away my dry skin. After two and a half days of using it i felt this rash start to appear. My other�4 percent im not particulary sure. But, i know that Seborrheic Dermatitis most of the time has really ugly dandruff and my dandruff is totally normal. Im crazy and i see things but my mother my sis and my friends tell me its perfectly normal so, im going with what they say because i'll see things and drive myself crazy cause im just too health counscious. But anyways, before i start driving myself crazy again seeing things that arent really there. I need to vent so much since i havent been really stable. A few months ago my sister and i well - correction basically my sister found a site my dad was registered to and found out he was gay. & my sister told my mom and my mom was just hysterical crying. saying how he wasted 15 years of her life. and blah. i blocked the rest out because i couldnt really listen anymore. I always felt my dad regreted me.. i dont know why. The feeling of regret and i dont know. My hearts been so black and not emotional that i really block everything out so, i dont cry myself to sleep with that aching pain in my chest. In the beginning of the year Alex..hmm my ex boyfriend..? so weird to say now since it's december now almost christmas CRAZY. Well, anyways back to what i was saying.. Alex wow, he has changed so dramatically since he cheated on me i dont even recognize who he is anymore honestly. hes an exact copy of kenneth. We havent talked since september. Everyday i see him well, most of the time i see him except for times i luckily run down the hallway not being able to see either of them - Melissa and Alex. 2 people i really love to avoid since so many memories come back that i've blocked out and just think of it as 'it never happened'. Anyways, he cheated on his recent girlfriend and hes going out with Savanna. Well, im guessing? Hes become a 'player'. Trust me thats not the Alex i once knew. Alex, was a sweet, shy, funny guy who loved acting and being himself. But, i always knew there was a side to Alex. Everything changing so quickly its like a blur to me. I mean im going crazy too. After being (hopefully) misdiagnosed i've been crazy. i need to see a doctor for my skin this is getting ridiculous i just need answers to my questions, really. WHY AM I SO HEALTH-CONSCIOUS UGH. ANYONE OUT THERE PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!!

Bri.

Something is up this week for reall I got another email from the australian guy I met at Roses holiday party last weekend asking me if I wanted to go take pictures with him maybe next week and that he really enjoyed looking at my work and meeting me...so nice to hear! but I don't really have much interest in dating him so not sure if we should be hanging out like that even if it is just going to take some pictures.

Anyway got my new computer up and running!! OMG!! a vast improvment from the old one that I wanted to run over with my car constantly it was sooooo freaking slow. Now is the painful proccess of moving over the old hard drive.

Mom and Rob are traveling back east tomorrow for christmas with the fam Hope they have a great flight!! Will be thinking about them always makes me nervous when they fly.....

Time to flinish my book!!

Liked my horoscope today too!

You may feel hopeful and expectant about your future today. You could be focusing on the promise of future endeavors or thinking about the positive changes you want to make in your life. This feeling lends itself well to new beginnings, and you may want to spend some time alone formulating a plan to usher in the next exciting phase of your life. Whether you want to develop a better fitness regime or embark on a new career, simply channeling your energy to the formation of something better will get the process started in powerful ways today. Then, by keeping your optimism strong and vibrant, you will be able to begin taking the steps that will lead to the fulfillment of your dreams.

A hopeful, optimistic attitude is a powerful resource in our plans to build a better life. Though we can plan and prepare for the achievement of our goals, doing so without a strong sense of optimism will limit the amount of creative energy we generate. By choosing instead to combine a hopeful outlook, high expectations, and a solid plan, we give ourselves the ability to stay motivated and inspired. We can then be consistent in our efforts to form better life circumstances and keep looking forward to our next phase of growth. By channeling your optimistic mind-set through a comprehensive plan of action today, you will be tapping the natural resources within you and using them to build your best life.

More compliments I went to happy hour with Allison yesterday her work thing and I guess I haven't seen them in a while but they were all saying how different I looked and how great I looked.....and there was a kind of cute guy Kevin there who used to work with Allison and I told her to give him my number.� I would def go out with him.....if he asked. Anyway last night was great and I was looking so cute in my jean skirt and new boots!! hahaha! Allison even got in on the action giving the bouncer at the phoenix her number!! we are getting better at it I guess the dressing up and flirting.

Today we drove up to Mendocino in the fog and just ate the best burger from this tiny diner. Now time for some johnny depp movie action!!

today they having a gathering here at work to celebrate Christmas, I feel such a scrooge, I forgot to bring Christmas cards, I'm just do bummed out, I don't feel the joy, I'm supose to feel

I REMEMBER THINGS

i remember� the words...

i remember how it felt, how it hurt...

i remember the pain afterwards.....

i remember crying...

i remember hating myself...

i remember regreting...

i remember seeking for help, but couldn't say a thing...

ir remember almost everything....

but i want to forget EVERYTHING.

i want it to be nothing...

Im going crazy I haven't listened to my chemical romance in 24 hours I am literaly going to kill people if I dont get to soon�My friend justin is acting weird his girlfriend made it so me and him couldn't be friends now that they are broken up he wants to get together with me but I don't know how to tell him I have a boyfriend�I don't want to brake his hart

I'm really starting to annoy myself. My mind's always on him. I don't understand it. By now he probabaly, if anything, thinks I'm some creaper. I don't understand why I feel how I could like him oh so much. Is it due to the fact that he reminds me of those in my past? Or could it be just because of his qualitys? I mean hell, how can I even think I like him? I've never had the courage to even say a word to him. Oh gods, I'd love it if I did. Imagine how things might be? Oh gods, this is horrible. I've never regreted anything in my entire life so far. But I think I might be regreting, maybe hating the fact I don't have the guts to talk to him. It makes me feel so inferior. Sad thing is I know that if he'd talk to me first I wouldn't be having any problems with any of this.� I guess this all is the joy of being a teenager, in highschool, of all places. It makes me wish I could fast forward time all the way to at least my twentys. Just throw away my teenage years, please.